Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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