this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
