sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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