Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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