i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
