right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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