I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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