I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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