everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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