As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
