i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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