Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Randomize
