I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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