It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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