I just pynch a tree in the face
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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