there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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