How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
MIDGETS
????
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
