There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
