just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
