I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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