I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
