I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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