R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Semen is not good for contacts.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
