id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
