If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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