I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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