Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
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