I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize