there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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