R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
