If i come over, it means nothing
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
whose ass print is on the piano?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
