you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
