everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
