That's intense
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
