im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
