I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize