Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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