dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize