There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
