At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
