I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
