I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
