so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
