So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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