Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
