I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
