dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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