Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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