that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize