how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
