Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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