girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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