He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize