Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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