Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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