No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
oh god was she eating orange peels again
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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