saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Help. Why am I so naked?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize