The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
