i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
