Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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