It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
