1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
