just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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