im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
